Cat mint and me

My smoke alarm is making alarming noises. All the time. Cweep Cweep Cweep and it is driving me crazy. Yes, I do know this means it needs a new battery. We only bought the thing last year and usually the batteries last for a bit longer than that. But who am I to wonder about the longevity of batteries these days? So I got in my car ... yes, I know I should be cycling my tricycle instead of driving but I have a sore stomach after overdoing the aqua-jogging. Anyhow, I get to the shop and repeat ten times, battery, battery... etc. so that I will not forget to buy the battery. And then I saw Christina and chatted, and then I asked if the shop had edible Cocoa butter, No ... and then I bought some nice cheese ... because everyone deserves nice cheese ... and then I .......... well needless to say I got home without the battery. Walked in the door and the smoke alarm greeted me with Cweep Cweep Cweep. But now my stomach is really cramping and there is no way I want to go back to the shops. Can I jump on the ladder and remove the offending alarm. Well no, because the three step ladder still leaves me half a meter too short and the other longer ladder is in the shed and in the too hard basket to collect and carry and move. Should I pull the dining room table over and climb on top of that? Well that sets my sore stomach into overdrive and as I writhe on the floor in pain the smoke alarm goes cweep in a condescending way. If I had a gun, that smoke alarm would be seriously alarmed and totally dead but instead it is chirping away happily and no doubt, will continue throughout the night.

My daughter bought me a machine thingy to make my life easier. It is a Google Chrome and is amazing at playing music and switching on Netflix without me even budging from the couch. Great when my stomach is cramping. But I was brought up in an era of saying please and thank you. So there I am saying 'Hey Google, play Phil Collins please.' And Auntie Google says 'Playing Phil Collins on ..............' and I say 'Thank you Google.' Which confuses the heck out of 'her'. She stops the music and says things like 'Please repeat the request.' or 'I did not understand what you said.' And the other morning I was speaking to my son in London on Skype and we were discussing the Google Chrome thing and why it does not want to make phone calls on my behalf ... So there I am in a totally different room to the device and all of a sudden I hear 'I did not hear what you said.' And some other garbled response to what she thought I had said ... but I thought 'Cheeky devil listening in to my conversations. How dare she?' I mean am I not allowed to speak about her behind her back? I don't think I will say please and thank you anymore, just to show my displeasure. The things our kids and grand-kids are growing up with now mean they do not have to say thank you to these devices. Is this a dangerous trend? I don't say 'thank you' to the cash card machine or the self service fuel dispenser ... maybe it is me that needs to change my ways? I am obviously a dinosaur in my attitude to technology. Never mind, I will hang on to my outdated ways and so what if I thank Google for doing what it is programmed to do.

I have a healthy Cat Mint plant growing in my garden. Huge. But the cats were showing no interest in the herb and I decided to initiate their interaction. I grabbed a handful and rubbed it all over Shadow's back and fur. He loved it. Went totally gaga rolling around like a mad thing on drugs. Perfect reaction. Then Venus walked past and I confidently took another handful of herb and the next thing I know, she is racing away with this fearful look on her face. She hid under the grapevine ... then made a dash across the lawn to the cornflowers and finally shimmied up a tree out of my reach. What on earth did she think I was doing? Death by mint? Cat Mint catastrophe? There were some workmen outside the gate installing the fibre cables for the internet and they all downed tools and watched the crazy cat lady dashing after the demented kitty. I decided not to try and explain why I was running around with green leaves in my hands and just threw them into the bushes and strolled inside the house. Nonchalantly, as if I had planned to do that all the time anyway. But I will get that Venus. She has to come down from the tree sometime. Wow, that sounds just like my parents when I was scared of getting a hiding and would secrete myself into a lair in the garden. I would hear my Mom yell, 'You have to come inside sometime and I will be waiting for you.' Obviously she would be waiting with a strap and not a handful of cat mint. I can remember coming out in a cold sweat at the thought of what was to come. Sometimes the anticipation was worse than the punishment, but not often. Punishment was punishment and it was never pleasant. Not like a handful of sweet smelling herbs will be for Venus. I am sure she will love it.

Five weeks to Christmas folks. Scary stuff. When the kids were young I was so eager to be the Christmas miracle fairy ... Father Christmas helper. But as I have aged my fairy wings have wilted and I can barely get up enough energy to put up a tree or string the lights. I made Christmas mince pies and steamed pudding with coins in it when I was younger. Well, that is a health and safety hazard now. Small coins inside a pudding. Someone could choke on them. So that tradition is not followed anymore. My Gran would collect the coins after each Christmas lunch and boil them and store them for next year. Christmas morning we would go to Church ... well some of us would anyway. We would sing carols and then go home to a huge breakfast and open gifts. Then off to do the rounds of the cousins and relatives. Auntie Phil and Uncle John, the Hillestads and the Maythams ... so here we are on the other side of the world and no where near cousins or relatives. Do families still do the visits? Or just send an e-card via the ether. No cards strung up on mantelpieces, no Church ... all changed. I am feeling quite sad at the thought. Barry and I did try to keep the spirit of Christmas shining brightly in our home ... but even he was running out of steam last year. I have been invited to a Christmas luncheon next month, and will no doubt eat too much and laugh a little too loudly. No one will talk about subjects that are considered taboo. Money, religion, sex. Someone will drink too much punch and someone will have an argument with a friend. Someone will cry and someone will tell long stories with no punchline. Most probably me. Someone's dress will be a bit too revealing and someone else will get too touchy feely. Tis the season to be merry and bright and inappropriate. I will no doubt enjoy every moment. Maybe I should take some cat mint with me and rub it on people? Oh goodness me no, they might take off just like Venus the cat and I would hate to have to coax someone down from a tree.