Muddled staycation and Christmas

I am enjoying a staycation at the moment. Lots of free time to muddle and fuddle around doing little to nothing of whatever I fancy. I don't like travelling, so this suits me perfectly. Part of the down time is watching movies and this week I watched one about a man whose wife died and then the daughter got ill and was on death's door. (Ordinary Angels) The movie is about getting medical bills paid and saving the little girl. But what struck me was that she had Biliary Atresia (the bile duct from the Liver is compromised or non-existent). And the tears came because my daughter died from that same cause. I haven't allowed myself to grieve as much as I did for that girl in the movie and my own daughter in over 40 years. Of course the guilt that I was unable to save my child hits me hard as always, but it's good to have a good cry once in a while. I processed my grief by completing my three painting gifts for Christmas gifts. Therapeutic. There were a few disasters, like dropping paint on the floor and having to re-do some bits and pieces, but at 10.30 on Tibbs night, I put my paintbrushes down and fell into bed. I do have an issue with giving gifts of my artwork to people. I feel like apologising for burdening them with my homemade stuff and expect them to reject it. Yup, my self esteem is stuffed and in desperate need of boosting. Maybe it's because I have always believed that I shouldn't inflict my emotions on others and my art is all about putting my emotions out there for all to see. I once equated displaying my art to walking down the street naked. But the deed is done and it's too late now to take back the presents. I need to monetize my talents and get over myself. Or is it weaponised incompetence? Nah. Not really. I'm not incompetent, just a doubting Thomas and there is nothing weaponised about me. I hope.

We were talking about ACE scores this week.(Adverse Childhood Experiences) and how many adults are still paying the price for a bad childhood. Don't worry, my ACE score isn't dramatic so I will not bore you with the details. The higher your ACE score the more likely you will have ongoing issues with addiction and ill health throughout your life. But, the scores can be ameliorated or softened just by someone in your life who cares enough to take time and listen to you. Someone who stands up to the bully at school or steps in when a parent loses their temper and becomes violent. That consistent attention and care can save their futures. My husband worked with offenders and often they would come from backgrounds that belittled them or they were abused or neglected and I feel so sad that there was no-one who could have been their champion. When we knew that my husband was not going to live through the next few months, we had a family conference. Our children have various mental challenges like ADHD and autism, so it was imperative for them to be prepared. No surprises means no meltdowns in our family. Barry was part of it all and no matter how uncomfortable it was to assign duties to each child, that is what we did. One would sing, one would talk, one would say a prayer. Barry chose what food would be served at his funeral, well you get the idea. When the inevitable happened I could sit back and allow myself to watch my children step up and take over and let me be a mess for a few days. My children were my Batman and Robin, my Superman and Lois Lane, my saviours and my rock. I would like to thank them for all that emotional burden they bore for me. I am very proud that their ACE scores are really, really low and that I have not caused my children abuse of any kind. Their futures will be brighter and hopefully healthier. No constructive criticism because all criticism is destructive. Yup, we were Woke parents of the highest order. I suppose what I'm saying is that my New Year's resolution is I want to be kinder to those who need me. My Christmas wish is for everyone to find a champion in their lives and find peace in their souls even when the world is falling apart. Money comes and goes but a smile can be priceless.

My most memorable Christmas moments were the Carols by Candlelight in my hometown. I loved the pageant and the hot dripping candle wax on clothes and skin. Mosquitoes buzzy, cicadas with their mating calls and the odd bat and owl above our heads. No doubt there were snakes hiding in the bushes and trees, but they were intimidated by the noise about 100 people made as they chatted to friends and sang out of tune with gusto. Half the town would descend on the park and plop themselves down on blankets brought from home. Containers of sandwiches and bottles of juice would appear from baskets and bags. No such thing as a food stall or concession stand. Gran would make her crunchies and ginger beer as a treat and it was a great activity. As we grew up we were co-opted into the pageants as various characters from the Christmas story. I tried to get my kids to join me in a carol singing activity in their youth, but sadly, that fell flat and I was left singing solo and very off key. I get my Christmas jollies by going to Church and warbling through the carols each year. My Spotify account feeds me weird songs like "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" and "Snoopy's Christmas" etc. And TikTok sends me stuff by Michael Buble of course. In the Southern Hemisphere we are enjoying the warmth of Summer and the odd forays to the beach to dip our toes in the ocean. Oh yes, and lots of feel good movies on my streaming services. Did I listen to the King's speech? Nope. But I did catch the highlights. Diversity is strength. I have watched movies based on real life and movies that are so far out of the realm of reality that it is laughable. I have read books. Well, I do that anyway throughout the year, but during my staycation, I can indulge more fully. So happy days to you all.